After getting home from the hospital, it took a couple of days to re-adjust. Things quickly got back to normal for my wife and kids. Brenda went back to work, the kids left every morning for school, and I was alone for the day to lay around, dress my wounds, feed myself Ensure through a tube in my abdomen, and watch old videos. No more visitors, nurses, doctors or therapists stopping by with a cheery smile and encouragement. I was left alone, and the monster called FEAR chose that time to come crawling out. I cried and wailed in fear as I stood looking at myself in the mirror. I knew with my brain that it must be silly and immature, but it overwhelmed me and froze my heart in horror and dread, and I sobbed and cried for hours every day until my family got back home. One day in particular I had to call my friend Craig Smith to come over and help me hold on to sanity. He sat patiently and prayed quietly while the storm passed and I regained my composure.
Odd thing about fear. It can be the source of some of the funniest moments in life. America's Funniest Home Videos still entertains with clips of people being scared by fake mice, hands jumping out of cakes, spiders, and scary masks. Humans have "funny bones", reflexes, and also, a little gland in the brain that responds instantly to perceived danger with a jolt of adrenalin that propels the body away from the danger, throws a punch or slap, and usually drains off the excess adrenaline rush by a scream, shout or yell.
I completely identify with Calvin in the comic strip when he knows (and Hobbs confirms) that there indeed are monsters under the bed. I spent 2 or 3 sleepless nights as a kid after my sister, Beebe Robinson, who now safely resides in Lubbock Texas, (are you reading this?) took me to the the Broadway Movie Theater in Houston, to see "The Angry Red Planet" and another time to see "House On The Haunted Hill", starring Vincent Price. As a small, oh-so-tender (emphasis on tender, as in "not chewy or tough") child of six years old, I trembled in my bed listening to the monsters scramble across the floor searching for me. I hoped they couldn't smell fear because that little room reeked of it!
Today at the ripe age of 57, I refuse to watch a monster movie or horror flick. I never understand, when they KNOW the monster is down in the sewer tunnels, why they would GO DOWN THERE! And why is it that no matter how fast you run from the limping guy with the axe, you can never get away from him. Even when you get the car started and drive madly away, he is ALWAYS in the back seat!
Another odd thing about fear is that it is always about the future. We never fear the past. When we are afraid, it is always about something that may or may not happen in the future. We fear doctor's visits, possible diagnoses, a test in school, a layoff at work, all things that might happen. Statistically, most things we fear never happen, but the mind prefers to err on the side of probability. Better to be ready to duck and not need to than to need to and not duck!
So why was I so afraid, and what was I really afraid of? Was I afraid of dying? I thought so at first, but it did not square with my faith and trust in Jesus Christ. It took a few days for it to come to me that I was not afraid to die, I was afraid of NOT HAVING LIVED! My fear was that I might still have cancer and die within a year and leave my family with nothing.
For me, living does not mean sky diving, mountain climbing, and I have no desire to go 2.7 seconds on a bull named "Fu-Manchu"! I just wanted my silly little life to matter in the big picture. I still want that more than anything else! I want Him to increase in me and get glory.
So, about 10:30 one morning in that empty house, with tears in my eyes and fear in my heart, I fell to my knees at the foot of the bed and prayed. "God, I don't know if I still have cancer or not. I don't know how you will choose to take me out of the world. But I know that whether I have one day or 5o, I cannot live with this fear! Please give my heart and mind peace about this disease, and let me give you all my remaining days!"
At that moment, the fear left me! It disappeared and has NEVER come back! That was 17 years ago this week.
If you are reading this blog, I want to tell you that I love you and that you are a marvelous creation of God. I don't care if you are full of sin and your heart is a solid hardened mass of hate, anger, failure and fear! His nature is to flow. Jesus is already at your "door" and you didn't even know it! One simple prayer of invitation to open that door, and He steps in with love and deliverance. Jesus never said "Take courage!" He did say, "Fear not. Be of good chear! It is I!". He is LOVE, and His love in you, not courage, is the opposite of fear!
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Bro Sam, I enjoyed reading your blog. I have known BeBe and Jim for many years (in fact when I lived in Lubbock with my two children I lived in this Christian home for a while when my apt burned.) I am an RN and have worked in Oncology for several years and I promise you are truely a miracle. Most with Pancreatic Ca do not make it more than months. Thank you for sharing your story with us. Mary Steele RN Bentonville,Ar.
ReplyDeleteYour expressed so clearly (and poignantly) what many of us rarely speak about. Fear paralyzes us, distracting us from the destiny God has called us to receive. What you struggled through while at home by yourself is a huge, silent, and perhaps unreal monster that causes our blood to run cold. The worst imaginable things are anticipated and hope runs out the door.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing the happy ending! Seventeen years is a long time. God has given you the gift of communicating with excellence. I, along with many others, have been greatly inspired to read your words today.